Reminder to Cherish Each Moment

I’m writing this as I cuddle my sleeping 15 day old newborn in a hospital bed as she gave us a scare that will haunt me for a long time to come.  Today, out of nowhere without any precursors she became rigid, turned purple and stopped breathing.  I was holding her in my hands, all of my CPR knowledge from multiple classes washed from my memory as soon as I registered a problem, and all I could do was repeat “somethings not right.”  Luckily my family was over, and my mom rushed over as I became overwhelmed with emotion.  I started calling 911 with the thought that they might not arrive in time to help and that I might lose this beautiful new soul.  After 45 seconds of eternity she started breathing again.  We went to Children’s Hospital nearby where I held her tight and cried as I answered the nurses’ and doctor’s questions.  They’ve done tests, and she is being observed overnight to make sure she is ok.  I haven’t let go of her, except when her distraught daddy wanted to love on her.  The doctor says it can be a few things but most likely is a BRUE (brief resolved unexplained event) or reflux.  If it is a BRUE then there is nothing we can do, but to be aware of it and hope it doesn’t happen again.  If it truly was a BRUE then we will be fearfully watching her all of the time.  Reflux would be a welcomed diagnosis as we can do things to help prevent it.  Tonight we are doing all of the reflux preventative practices in hopes that it helps.   I’m pretty drained, but my fear of something happening while I sleep is keeping me up.

After an emotional 8 hours, I gaze upon this sleeping beauty and am amazed how much love I have for her.  To be honest, I wasn’t head over heels in love with this little pumpkin while I was pregnant.  I don’t know if it is was the terrible ultrasound pictures that never proved that she had a human face, a painful pregnancy, the concern that this impending arrival would negatively impact my love for my first born, or a combination of all of those that hindered a deep connection with her during the months I carried her inside.  Don’t get me wrong, we had planned this  addition and were so happy to have her joining us.  I loved her, but it didn’t feel like the love I had for my son.  All of that change the moment she was born.  I was smitten and my heart was sworn to her.  My love for her doesn’t conflict with my love for my son.  It’s as if I had another heart placed inside me filled with love for her.  I can’t imagine life without her, and it’s been only 15 days.  Since 2:00 this afternoon, I am cherishing each moment, each cuddle, and each little sigh from her, and hope to cherish them for years to come.

little pumpkin